crooky lip

So... tell the truth kids, and your mouth won't get all crooky. 

Make it cushy!

Jim says he always knows whether I'm really hurt. He says if I go "ow!" then I'm not hurt. If I go "yaaarrrrrgh!" and it sounds like Cookie Monster singing opera, then it's bad. 

Marketing

You don't know what I'm talking about? All those pictures with the models wearing the clothes, and you're all, "Hey, I think I would like that outfit." And so you go to try it on and you figure out that the full-length mirror doesn't have an airbrush artist.

Geek Smack

Found this among my saved files whilst sorting. I did ita couple months before I started the site.

bored at work

This is what happens when I get stuck in a "hurry up and wait" position. Doodle doodle dawdle. I particularly enjoyed the stick people after I captioned them.

You don't know where I'm going

The command is "heel," not "kneecap."

Fuji Jenga

I'm gone all day and she's been practicing. On the couch. With her teeth. Did I mention that dogs don't have thumbs? 

Ancient Relic #5

I get my mail where I am typing now. I read my magazines and newspaper five inches above that. I pay my bills there too. What happens when the local podunk utility company doesn't have a website and doesn't take Visa over the phone? I have to drive a certain distance to buy a stamp, and the utility company is less than a mile from there, so can you say night drop? 

Equal opportubbity

Still water X diagonal = 0

Because sometimes mornings...

...need to be a little faster. If I could just get those little hairs to come out by tricking out the vacuum, mornings would be a snap. 

Ancient Relic #8

Are there any restaurants left that do not have a drive-thru or pick-up or delivery? And when I do eat at home, I'm all about the toaster oven and the microwave. Oooh! And stuff that doesn't have to be cooked AT ALL! Sandwiches, yeah.

Stupid and Happy

Are you tired of that annoy thump at the end of the day? Maybe you get headaches from stress or being overworked. Whatever the cause, when regular lame old pain relievers just don't do the job, and you're at your wit's end, use the end of your wit to grab for Cell Kill. Cell Kill gets rid of those pesky brain cells one by one until there's no pain left to experience. Thank you Cell Kill. Day doo Dell Dill.

Back petaling

Some flowers are just snobby. Little girls gotta train somewhere. You can't do justice to Da Vinci in Crayola. Van Gogh, maybe.

Ancient Relic #4

Seriously. I am so glad that I didn't waste time learning how to properly write in cursive. I can only think of a couple of uses for a pencil anymore. Standardized tests and scratching in your ear. No, okay wait. There was this one project that we used to do in elementary school art class... You tear off little pieces of colored tissue paper and and fold them over the end of the pencil eraser. Then you glue the little pieces side by side and make this fluffy fringey-looking picture or papier mache project or whatever. Man that wasa a long explanation, but yeah. Pencils. 

Ancient Relic #2

I used to have one with a watermelon pink plastic cover that you could see through. Because you want to make sure you get your money's worth, so get the cover that lets you peek in there and make sure all the parts are working. After a while, I was in college, and my mom gave me her old bag phone. He he. Bag phone. Yeah, it was huge. Still had the LED. Took a while to lose that.

Up your nose with a...

I had to give you the answer because you'd be sitting there forever trying to figure it out, only for like 2 years later when you get sleep-silly and tell the story to someone, about how you couldn't figure out the ghost plus the rabid dog, and they just go "Booger." Because then you'd feel like an idiot and not sleep well even after your long grueling shift at 7-11. They really should change the name of that place, to like 24-7. People would get it. They probably just don't want to pay for new stationery. 

O C*

As a gift from Kenmore, Fridgert had the ability to stay cool out of season.

*You thought O C meant Orange County, but it doesn't. It means degrees Celsius, which Orange County doesn't use, since it's in Southern Cali. 

Get the memo

He still has not figured out Casual Friday. 

Somethin about Sundays

Yeah, you know what I'm talkin about. 

Roll it up, Roll it up...

Did you have a fall-through? Did you leave it in the rain and the metal rusted? Maybe you just wanted a new color. Well consider all those lawn chairs that can't live up to their name because they just haven't got the threads. These chairs have no one to look to except you. Don't merely discard those used ribbons... roll them up like you're the baker man and throw it in the pan. And by pan, we mean an envelope with our address on it. Plaid & Glad, PO Box 1212, Greenfarm, Iowa, [whatever zip code they use there]. 

straight good. curvy bad.

It doesn't matter that you have a graphics tablet. If you want to draw curves, you had better have broadband. I have scrawnyband. 

file this

When furniture nails me on my dependence, I get this weak feeling for the first few minutes, like, "Oh, why didn't I pay more," and then I realize... HEY. You are furniture. I bought you. You are mine. I tell you what you're worth. 

I'm a singing coach.

Whitney Houston had the pinkest tongue in her music videos. 

foot owie

What's the deal when all I did is trip over an extension cord? I even thought it was funny when it happened because I kinda fell on my butt. 

Larvae League

You just know Spiderman was an awesome in Little League. Okay, I know that's not possible, since he didn't get bitten until he was older, but I needed a spin on the picture since I couldn't fit my thumb on the graphics tablet in the right way to make it show up in the little Sketch Swap window. And THEREFORE by golly, my turkey template was bamboozled.

shketches sketch

Sometimes, at the end of the workday, when other people have gone home and it's just me, it gets a little unreal.

frisbee

Fluffy was distraught. She wanted to play frisbee, but the way Billy held it up, it reminded her of Simon the Pieman on the corner of 5th and Pickett. Simon always used to turn the dough in the window, so proud of his Italian heritage, and his skill at evening out the crust by spinning it, manipulating it, caressing the viscous rawness of it all. Meanwhile, Fluffy would sneak in the side door and nose through the bowls of pepperoni, sausage and mozzarella. A veritable feast for a drifter. Then one day, the dog catcher came around and netted her. She sat in a chain-link prison for two weeks before reaching doggy death row. Pepe from the Humane Society came in and saw how fat she was. He knew she must've have been someone's prized pet. Pepe took her in, gave her shots, and put her in with the other dogs. Billy came in the very next day and adopted her. Now, Fluffy sits in the yard, dreaming of Simon the Really Into Himself and His Spinning Dough So Much That He Doesn't See a Stray Dog Eating His Profits Pieman.

Stick Girl Rants

You know how it is. You're sitting on the couch, laptop in front of you, and the tv is on just beyond that. (refer to http://shketches.blogspot.com/2006/02/my-eyes.html for illustration) You're trying to blog while the commercials are on, but you're watching a dvr recording, so you're compelled to skip the commercials. But you can't put your laptop down and disappoint all those Shketches fans! And you CAN'T watch commercials! So you are now left only with the options of a) cloning yourself, which is illegal, b) imploding to join Stimpy when he played in his belly-button too long, c) splitting your efforts and missing a lot of The Simpsons while making an amateurish drawing and excuses to boot. I picked C in a poignant tribute to my college gpa.

Domo aragato

Peanuts, shellfish, dust, pet dander, tempered steel. List of things that make me reach for an inhaler. 

I don't like malls

Holds true at Old Navy too. 

Poo-nial

No need for comment.