crooky lip

So... tell the truth kids, and your mouth won't get all crooky. 

Make it cushy!

Jim says he always knows whether I'm really hurt. He says if I go "ow!" then I'm not hurt. If I go "yaaarrrrrgh!" and it sounds like Cookie Monster singing opera, then it's bad. 

Marketing

You don't know what I'm talking about? All those pictures with the models wearing the clothes, and you're all, "Hey, I think I would like that outfit." And so you go to try it on and you figure out that the full-length mirror doesn't have an airbrush artist.

Geek Smack

Found this among my saved files whilst sorting. I did ita couple months before I started the site.

bored at work

This is what happens when I get stuck in a "hurry up and wait" position. Doodle doodle dawdle. I particularly enjoyed the stick people after I captioned them.

You don't know where I'm going

The command is "heel," not "kneecap."

Fuji Jenga

I'm gone all day and she's been practicing. On the couch. With her teeth. Did I mention that dogs don't have thumbs? 

Ancient Relic #5

I get my mail where I am typing now. I read my magazines and newspaper five inches above that. I pay my bills there too. What happens when the local podunk utility company doesn't have a website and doesn't take Visa over the phone? I have to drive a certain distance to buy a stamp, and the utility company is less than a mile from there, so can you say night drop? 

Equal opportubbity

Still water X diagonal = 0

Because sometimes mornings...

...need to be a little faster. If I could just get those little hairs to come out by tricking out the vacuum, mornings would be a snap. 

Ancient Relic #8

Are there any restaurants left that do not have a drive-thru or pick-up or delivery? And when I do eat at home, I'm all about the toaster oven and the microwave. Oooh! And stuff that doesn't have to be cooked AT ALL! Sandwiches, yeah.

Stupid and Happy

Are you tired of that annoy thump at the end of the day? Maybe you get headaches from stress or being overworked. Whatever the cause, when regular lame old pain relievers just don't do the job, and you're at your wit's end, use the end of your wit to grab for Cell Kill. Cell Kill gets rid of those pesky brain cells one by one until there's no pain left to experience. Thank you Cell Kill. Day doo Dell Dill.